Tent maker or Failure

The past few weeks have been tough for me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I the tensions within my heart are hard to put words to. I believe I am most likely suffering from relief fatigue as well as being in an emergency mindset.

These are just not good conditions to be going through school with, nor wanting to interact with anyone. My stress level is pretty high, and my heart feels pretty deep in pain and conflict between finances, work, study, ministry.

I am just pretty broken at the moment and wonder why the heck God has called me to be the hands and feet, and to have the dream and vision that I have. Right now I am just frustrated at my inability to create stability for my life, and wonder how the Apostles dealt with their lives. I have a fair degree of entrepreneurship but find it still ridiculously hard to balance this work, ministry, time problem. It still boggles me a bit when I think of Paul and how he supported himself in proclaiming the gospel of Christ.

        “Nevertheless, we have not made use of this right, but we endure anything rather than put an obstacle in the way of the gospel of Christ.” 1 Cor 9:12

Paul makes this statement in part of the defense of his ministry. I think it’s quite beautiful and hopeful, yet probably filled with a lot of pain an agony within. The mention of a “right” in this is referring to Paul stating that it is ok for the Apostles and teachers to reap material things. I can almost feel frustration in having to defend himself and his ministry. I wonder what Paul’s life was like leading up to himself doing ministry, and what business was like for him to be able to continue in ministry and work. The latter part of this verse makes me want to scream, and shake people. I have not often been one to see a need or a vision that Christ has given me and waited on someone or something else as a prerequisite to going and doing. I have pretty much tried to work my tail off in order to proclaim the Gospel, and I don’t want to be a burden to the church as a whole. If I don’t create my own secular means of income, that means someone else could be put in more of a hurting position. I do not want to become a burden to someone else, and I could see that toil and labor was an obstacle that Paul was willing to endure.

"With toil and labor, we worked night and day that we might not burden any of you, and to give you an example to follow" (2 Thess. 3:8)

It has been interesting, how easily the American Christianity mindset can consume my brain. I believe in lies that I am almost entitled to, or should be receiving support in order to do ministry. I have also fallen to the lie in belief that for me to be successful I should be supported by other churches. The part of this that has the ugly head is that I can get easily jealous of people/places that receive, or have abundance of resources. What makes me jealous it that there are often many entities that receive funding, that mostly just goes straight into paying salaries.

Either way I am glad to have rediscovered the ministry of Paul, and it is possible that I can endure through this. I guess God wants me to also operate much like Paul and expose such issues like this within the church.

What makes Tent Making hard in America. In my local neighborhood context, no one trusts anyone. Especially if they are new, and if they are obviously going to be transient. New Orleans has become a giant transient and non committal city. This is probably typical in places post natural disasters, and probably in many 3rd world areas. This culture is created by people only coming to a place and only thinking of being there for a year or two. Thats just enough time for the newbies to build relationships, and get to know people and then rip them apart by leaving. Yes we supposedly live in a time where there is technology to help with connectedness, but that is purely from a American Dream mindset. Phone calls, e-mails, myspace, facebook messages are nothing like real interaction, nor consistent interaction. In Urban America, and from being within the school systems i have seen many kids move and get uprooted, and I know that there are some that many move to a different house once a year. This idea is also well represented in Apartment life and culture, how often do you move if you are an apartment dweller? Each time there is a move it results in more broken relationships. When this is combined with bad family life that could be falling apart, trust within oneself toward others is severely broken. There’s not much Trust even within the family.

If you can image the gap of trust that needs to be bridged here, it is humongous. You have to prove that you are there, and there to stay. This is terrible for us twenty-somethings because this means that you must find your home to settle, or you can just not deal with this population. So where this gets rough is figuring out how do you show your longevity and not just talk about staying. This for me was Buying in, the conflict with this now for me, is that it increases my expenses, and consumes time in maintenance. I know that I could probably live free at a family’s house but that is a tough find, and its too late. Buying in has also been great because it just gives one a little more clout to push for city, and educational reform.
So if trust building is somewhat my goal at the moment, and what stresses me out at the moment is my work, and school. If either of those start to impact the quality of my life and breaks down relational trust with my neighbors I get stressed and get headaches and shut down. Then I am removed from the vision God has given me and try to figure out what’s wrong so that I can correct it. I remember talking to a friend the other day, in which we came to a conclusion that money buys time, and that allows us to make wiser decisions. Right now I feel like I am in an emergency mode, with limited resources, and I am scared that I will soon start to make bad and unwise decisions.


Taking one for the team. The past couple of weeks have also been tough because I have sacrificed my private space to share, with a previous student of mine that was pretty much homeless. It has been tough, to want to just listen to him when I have 500 things to do, and it has been hard to find peace and quiet.

Pray that I can sort out the junk thats in my brain and stressing me out right now. So that I can be effectively used by God. Pray for my student that he may come to know and trust in Christ, and that my roomates and I can be good witnesses of the faith.



and for Chris Westbrook, writing this makes me think of you and how we would always do ministry and talk about doing ministry for free. Stay strong, and I hope to get to worship with you soon sir.



enough venting and writing time to read...